Why am I starting a blog well into my 30’s? It’s a good question, and one I’ll answer below. First, here is who I am writing for…
- Earnest and committed Protestants who want more than what they’ve been able to find in America’s Christian culture
- Discouraged Evangelicals who are yearning for a deeper experience of God
- Those unwilling to abandon their Christian faith
If this is you, then my hope is that you will find…
- Encouragement as you seek God even through disillusionment
- Space to bravely examine your heart’s deep longings
- Hope that you can overcome the loneliness and shame that accompanies doubt
In short, I write the kind of content that I desperately needed 8 years ago but could not find, no matter how hard I searched.
How It All Began
From childhood I sought to love and follow God. I inherited a strong Evangelical faith and enjoyed closeness with God; I never imagined this could fade. Throughout high school and college my commitment to Christ was unwavering. So I was shocked and troubled when, well into adulthood, I began to experience doubt. God began to feel distant and removed, no longer the close friend and Father I had known before.
No matter where I turned, I couldn’t find satisfying answers to my growing longing for more. I couldn’t find my way back to closeness with God, even though I tried with every tool and strategy available to me. What started as a small, nagging discontent far in the back of my mind became something I could no longer ignore. I was falling and afraid I might lose my Christian faith altogether.
By God’s grace, no matter the depths of my doubt, confusion and inner turmoil, I remained unwavering in my love for Christ: He was all I had left, the one thing I knew was true amid a sea of conflicting feelings. I saw others who were going through a similar process throw in the towel and walk away from their faith or distort it beyond recognition, but I refused to do so. I had experienced God in my youth, and I could never deny that. I had experienced and believed in the God of the Bible, the God revealed in Jesus Christ, and I refused to look elsewhere for meaning. Through gritted teeth I vowed to keep searching for answers with the goal of salvaging my faith. I have a feeling many of you feel the same way.
My refusal to give up led me down an unexpected path. In 2022, I quit my job and together with my husband and four pets drove 36,000 miles spanning the United States in our 19′ travel trailer. This cross-country trek was quite literally a quest for God. I prayed, read, wrestled, studied, journaled and spent many sleepless and tear-filled nights under the stars. Desperate to encounter Christ, I visited 50+ Christian monasteries.
What I learned through my travels nourished and amazed me, and enabled me to recover and restore my relationship with God. The sweetness of friendship with God returned and my doubts and questions were eclipsed by an even greater awe and adoration.
This is my motivation for writing: to share the treasures I uncovered and the hope that saved my Christian faith. If my journey resonates with you, I would be honored to journey alongside you toward God.
For anyone who feels a connection to my vision and purpose, I invite you to follow me and to sign up for my email newsletter, “Garden of Nectarios”.
May this effort honor God and bless all who engage with it as we journey together toward union with God.
In Christ,
B.R. Van Soest
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